November 3, 2013

ARTPOP review!



ARTPOP -  A Track By Track Review
Written by an author who prefers to remain anonymous.

Disclaimer: The views and biases of this review are solely mine, the author's. I was not compensated by anyone representing Gaga or Miss Stef.

If I had to describe this album in two words, they would be Janelle Monae. Unlike Gaga as of late, she's a lovely artist, somewhat underground, brimming with creativity and talent. Like Gaga, she's going through what can only be described as a sophomore slump. When I first heard Janelle's debut, The ArchAndroid, I thought she was the next big thing. Her music was like nothing I had heard before: classical music fused with soul, added to a heady mix of RapnB. Then came her next album, Electric Lady. Oh god. I HAD to get it the day it came out. I HAD to listen to it as soon as I could. I HAD to cry when I heard the awful first song, the awful Prince collaboration, and the awful attempts at ballads in it. She completely abandoned her old sound to be a derivative Sun Ra.

Does this sound familiar?

I will give props where they're due- Gaga evolves past her Madonna plagiarism (kind of) and instead becomes an EQUAL OPPORTUNITY WANNABE! Why let Madge have all the fun? Mother Monster is kind enough to try hard and fail to emulate other artists, too. The Ting Tings! Joan Jett! Marilyn Manson! Bowie! Kylie! And much, much more! You go, Queen!

Aura/Burqa - Not gonna lie, the part I looked the least forward to about this album was having to sit through this song a fourth time. I did so as quickly as I could (to get it over with, you understand) and WHAT A SURPRISE! OH MY GOD! I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS!

It still sucks.

Because of its moronically controversial subject matter ("I'm not a wandering slave, I am a woman a choice/ My veil is protection for the gorgeousness of my face"), or because of her awful singing, or even the deranged laughter (When did we get to the point where a dead panned HAHAHA is one of the highlights of a Gaga song...) ? All of the above, and more. Of course, the chorus is decent (what it lacks in ART it tries to make up for with POP) but who, outside of her preteen fans would ACTUALLY be self-hating enough to listen to it past the verses?

Venus - I admit, this might be one of the few songs on ARTPOP I might not delete from my iTunes permanently. It is the only song on the whole album that does the Art combined with Pop thing. Too bad the song is almost unlistenable. At some point, even the most deluded monster will have to take a step back and think, "Is this it?" The verses are terrible. The chorus is terrible. It's only salvation-and it's not much- is "Neptune! Go! Now serve Pluto!" But even that's ruined by her yelling "URANUS, DON'T YOU KNOW MY ASS IS FAMOUS?" The fact that this trash was almost the second single should alarm anyone that can put two and two and two together- good news for her monsters.

G.U.Y. - The first OK song so far. The references to Aphrodite still bother me, but the intro is pretty good. I'm thinking this should've been the first track, rather than Aura. "Greetings from Eros, God of sexual desire" is a better intro to ARTPOP than Aura's Drive-By by Train style guitar strumming. Something about the beat reminds me of the original Lavender Town theme.....maybe that was what she wanted????? Or maybe she should fire all the yes men who lied and told her that her singing was good? Also, in 2013, why can't we have songs about GIRLS on top? Eh...it's an OK enough song, but anyone with any kinds of expectations or standards will probably be disappointed.

Sexxx Dreams - So far, "My ARTPOP could mean anything" is translating to "My ARTPOP could mean outdated gender roles, outdated beats, and a whole lot of pretense." But this is the best song on ARTPOP so far, better than Aura and Venus combined. I'm almost fucking with it. A few things still bother me about it- For instance, in the line "I heard your boyfriend was away this weekend" is she talking about sleeping with a girl? Is she STILL trying to stir that pot? The beat is exactly like Kylie's song Aphrodite (hmmmmmmmm......). But I don't really care, because she sounds good. I use this song.

Jewels N' Drugs (ft. Who, What, and Why) - AND JUST LIKE THAT....WE'RE BACK TO THE BULLSHIT. It was gone for two and a half songs and it's back with a vengeance. Remember when Stashe and Cake like Lady Gaga dropped and we all thought that ARTPOP would have lots of rap? Cake Like Lady Gaga is better than this song. Yes, really. Her part should've been edited out and given to the three failures featured, and let it be a single for them. (T.I's last album, Trouble Days, could've used some sprucing up.) The rapping is decent and MAN OH MAN TWISTA GOES IN ON THIS AWFUL ASS BEAT but there is really no need for this to be on Gaga's album. Where is the supposed Art we were promised?

MANiCURE
- I'll keep this short and sweet: The song is decent but highly derivative. It's like if Gwen Stefani, The Ting Ting's Shut Up and Let Me Go or the Hayley Williams covered Manson's Beautiful People or Joan Jett's I Hate Myself For Loving You. If you can forget that this is a rock song for kids that anything with an electric guitar in it is rock, you'll definitely love this.

Do What You Want - Combine what I said about G.U.Y's and Sexxx Dream's gender roles with the sheer tackiness of JnD and BOOM! You have a DWUW soufflé. Most of you know this as the song Gaga promoted by having her ass as the single cover. A lot of you know this song as the song Gaga promoted (once she realized that no one literally cared about her ass) by going batshit on twitter. It fits. Tacky measures for a tacky song. Let is be known that I have a HIGH tolerance for camp. I liked Bowie's Never Let Me Down album. I'm single-handedly keeping RuPaul's music career alive. If DWUW was delivered with an ounce of fun, I'd probably like it enough. How monsters still have the nerve to call Miley, Nicki, or Rihanna whores after knowing she released this is beyond me.

ARTPOP - A few summers ago, I attended a week long workshop at a nearby college on writing. One of the topics was how to avoid writer's block. To get our creative juices flowing, the instructors handed out black markers and books for a game called "Erasers." Basically, what we were to do was take the marker and mark out all the words on a page except a few, leading to what sounded like poetry but took about 5 minutes and no creativity to do. I'm convinced Gaga played Eraser with a dictionary to come up with this shit. I don't know what she's trying to say. I DON'T care what she's trying to say either.

Swine - For some time, this was rumored to be a second single, following the dismal Applause. I see why. This song follows the Applause mold beautifully, with a few deviations to keep fans interested. I could sing Applause over this. This is supposedly about Perez Hilton, which is sad. He might be a tart but what did he do to deserve this ear sore? YAAAAAAAAS GAGA! You combined ART and POP and made AN ANTHEM! for teenagers that can spell Bowie and not pronounce it and pronounce Nietzsche but not spell it.

Donatella - This song is trash. Straight trash. This garbage has no reason to exist. I'm gonna guess the beverage of choice at the artRAVE launch party will be Kool-Aid, because you'd need to be drinking it to think this song is anywhere above 1/10. It's not even a one out of ten. It's a negative fifty out of ten. "Just ask your gay friends their advice before you/ Get a spray tan on holiday, in Taipei" has got to be the worst lyric anyone has out on paper this year.

Fashion! - It's blessedly better than Donatella. After a song that dismal, the album has nowhere to go but up. The piano intro sounds like every Hallmark movie ever made. It than segues into some more absolute bullshit. Bottom line: this song sucks. I wish it was a Bowie cover or even a wannabe imitation of Bowie's Fashion (at least you can dance to Bowie's), instead she delivers what sounds kinda like Elizaveta did a jazz version of Madonna's song Holiday by way of Scheibe. Most delusional lyric of the album goes to: "I own the world, we own the world/ Tonight." I really do think she tried to make a Dress You Up. She tried it.

Mary Jane Holland - If any song sums up what is wrong with Lady Gaga in this day and age, then this is it. From the pointless lyrics to terrible singing (GIRL! YOU ARE NOT AN ELECTROCLASH ROB ZOMBIE!) to the terrible production, this is one big cry for attention. What exactly is the point of this? To prove that Gaga is cool and edgy and can get inside jokes about marijuana? Eh...she doesn't care about the quality of her music because she is "rich as piss", so let's move on.

Dope - I never heard I Wanna Be With You and I didn't know Dope was IWBWY reworked, so when I first heard the piano in the beginning, I kinda expected it to segue into some rap a la every Nas song ever. Instead, it's a funeral dirge, this album's "Brown Eyes", an overwrought piano ballad that is supposed to highlight the diva's versatility but just sounds...meh. Gaga tries so hard to imbue it with pathos and meaning that it ends up being an empty exercise of vocal range. It's exclusively for her gay fans that think any song with her on the piano is some touching heartfelt song BETTER THAN ALL YOUR FAVES AND KATY PERRY WILL NEVER!!!!!!!!!! God, I hope Katy never does something this bad, (Also, what is up with that awful single art?)

Gypsy - Just when I was ready to write of "ARTPOP" as a total train-wreck, along comes Gypsy. Not good enough to save the album, but good enough to make me feel less bad about wasting my morning downloading ARTPOP, Gypsy is a simple ballad, well written and well sung. Kinda like the pre-fame Stefani when she was just Stefani. This is just a solid, I am who I am pop song that Born this Way was lacking in. The worst thing about it is the name, but I guess Romani isn't as catchy. Win some, lose some.

Applause - Everyone and their dog has probably been forced to sit through this shit song so let me keep it brief. The production is a terrible bid for a radio hit, her singing is terrible, and the video is unwatchable. But then again it's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT. And PAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWPPPPPPPP. Old ass 22 year olds like I are too out of it to appreciate Godga's gift to mankind. You have to be a 16 year old Perks of Being a Wallflower type to really like this. Or just, like really high.

I am canceling my ARTPOP preorder. I really did want to give her a fair shake, since it's just a few dollars and, really, how bad can it be? This bad. Artpop is lacking in both art and pop. Except for a few songs that must've somehow missed quality control, it's a mess. The best part of this album is the hope that when sales tank that Gaga will get dropped and go back to being a more nasal Alanis.

I give it 2 stars out of 5.

OR

11 musical abortions out of 15.

Take your pick.